Long ago, humanity was almost destroyed by demons, who accessed the world through manmade computers, modems, and cables. Since then, all modes of interface were destroyed, so that the virtual demons can no longer access the real world. Present-day London is ruled by Queen Gloriana the First, who is a large 100-year-old creature with 36 brains. She basically performs the same functions that computers used to perform. A con artist named Darger contacts a genetically engineered American dog named Surplus, and proposes a heist to steal a diamond necklace from the Buckingham Labyrinth, home of the queen. In order to gain entry to the Labyrinth, Surplus poses as the diplomat of a fictional country and Darger poses as Surplus' "autistic," a servant of negligible intelligence. When a protocol officer questions their credentials, Darger and Surplus are forced to wait until their papers are processed before they can seek an audience with the queen. In the mean time, they will stay in a guest room within the Labyrinth. The next day, the officer's sister Lady Pamela takes them on a tour of the Labyrinth. They catch a glimpse of Gloriana and are later mistakenly arrested by the baboons that guard the palace. They are escorted back to the protocol officer, who discovers that Darger possesses an illegal modem, which is a crime punishable by death. Surplus convinces him that the modem doesn't work and is just an antiquarian knickknack, but the officer confiscates the modem for safekeeping. That night, Surplus has sex with Lady Pamela. The next day, Surplus falls sick, and Lady Pamela cares for him. Surplus tells her that his illness is deadly, and he can only be saved if she retrieves the modem and uses it to contact the mayor of Burlington for instructions. He tells her that this is the only modem ever created that is immune to demons and can be safely used by humans. Pamela does as he says, and Darger pretends to make contact with the mayor. Fascinated, Pamela realizes that she could use the modem to force the ancient demons into obedient servants, allowing her to overthrow Gloriana and restore a human queen to the throne. She takes the modem with her, just as Darger and Surplus planned. The next day, Pamela and the protocol officer discover that the modem won't work for them. Surplus refuses to share its secrets, but changes his mind when Pamela gives him her diamond necklace as payment. Everything is going according to Surplus and Darger's plan until the dwarf savant notices a loose wire in the modem. He fixes it and plugs it into the wall, causing a demon to escape the virtual world and possess the dwarf, lighting him on fire in the process. Darger and Surplus flee and the demon chases them, setting the whole labyrinth on fire. They manage to hide inside of Gloriana's lair, where they inform her that she is about to die. Surprisingly, Gloriana welcomes this news because of her manmade, unhappy existence. She helps them escape as the entire labyrinth burns down behind them. They assume that the modem was also destroyed in the fire. Darger and Surplus flee to France. Surplus is filled with guilt over the destruction they've caused, but Darger reminds him that they will be rich after selling Lady Pamela's diamonds. Surplus realizes that the diamonds are not real, but Darger insists that they can still sell the necklace in Paris. He convinces Surplus to continue on as his partner in crime as they travel throughout Europe.