Whose Heart I Long to Stop with the Click of a Revolver
By Rivers Solomon, first published in Emrys Journal
A gay Black woman living in New York City meets her trans teenage daughter for the first time, years after she gave her up for adoption. The meeting brings back dark and painful memories of abuse and manipulation, caused by her daughter's father.
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Plot Summary
Jo, a gay Black woman living in New York City, meets up with her trans teenage daughter Luciana, or Luz for short, who has been in and out of foster care her whole life. They meet for the first time at Blue Street's Diner, and Jo thinks that her daughter's personality and looks go quite well together: red, thick, and messy hair; mascara and eyeliner; and plenty of blush. As the two begin to get to know each other, Jo remembers Luz's father Mr. Wheelock, a middle-aged white man she met at the age of twelve. Mr. Wheelock swore to protect Jo and groomed her, caressing her and being intimate with her even in public. He introduced her to guns and, after his death, left his wealth to Jo. Jo has been obsessed with guns ever since Mr. Wheelock first taught her about them. Sometimes she goes out to shoot water moccasins just to watch them die.
After their first encounter, Luz stays as Jo's house. The two go on shopping trips together and take the train. One day Luz asks Jo why she does not have a job, to which Jo replies she lives off an inheritance. Jo then remembers how, after she became pregnant with Luz, it was too late for her to get an abortion, so she decided to give Luz up for adoption. When she told Mr. Wheelock her plans, he threatened to take Jo to court and get his rights as a father to the baby. When Mr. Wheelock pushes Jo against a wall and tries to hurt her, she takes out a gun and shoots him three times in the chest. Jo tells Luz none of this.
Jo feels like she has very little to offer Luz. All of the information she knows, she learned from Mr. Wheelock, and all of the questions Luz asks about her father, Jo does not have answers to. Still, she tries to give her whatever she can, like warm socks and shopping trips. When Luz goes out shopping one day, part of Jo thinks she will never return. Jo cannot help but remember Mr. Wheelock in these moments, the poetry and Joyce quotes he made her recite. Like a snake who you do not get the chance to shoot before it bites you, Mr. Wheelock is a venom, and he has invaded her.
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