Findings & Impressions
By Stellar Kim, first published in The Iowa Review
A widowed radiologist is navigating raising his son after his wife's death when one of his patients captures his attention.
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Plot Summary
Sean Miller is a radiologist and has a son named Nick. Sean's wife Lillian was killed in a car accident. Lillian's loss is felt acutely by her family left behind; she had been a news anchor, and Nick believed a news anchor he saw on TV was his mom because she looked very similar to Lillian. Sean’s friends encouraged him to date again, and he grapples with the pressure of finding a romantic partner while still grieving. Even though he ended up sleeping with a lingerie model after his wife's death, he could only think of how he missed his wife.
One day he is examining radiology scans when he discovers that his patient has a malignant stage 3 breast tumor. The woman in the scans is named Alicia Stasinsky. Alicia goes to the radiologist’s office to see the scans before Sean is able to send them to her doctor. Alicia demands that he explain them to her as she would have to wait three days to see her oncologist. Sean judges Alicia's portly body and red face.
Sean runs into Alicia on a rainy day outside the hospital. They smoke together. He later drives Alicia home after seeing her waiting at a bus stop in the rain. He struggles to converse with her.
Alicia’s cancer progresses and she has part of her breasts removed. She sees Sean at an appointment. Sean thinks of the way his son mourned the loss of his mother and reminisces about pieces of his history with his wife, Lillian.
Sean begins a routine in which he sees Alicia weekly and drives her home from her cancer treatments. Her cancer is progressing. Sean won’t accept gas money so Alicia buys him food. They spend time one day at the ocean and eat hot dogs. Alicia mixes together ketchup and mustard on her hot dog and jokingly coins the term "ketard" to name her mixture. Sean notes these small, quirky, human things that Alicia does.
Sean tells Alicia about the time he slept with a lingerie model. Alicia reveals that she’s never felt beautiful. Sean calls her beautiful.
Alicia throws herself a barbecue for her party full of things she knows Sean's son, Nick, enjoys. Nick becomes close with Alicia and wants to see her again. Sean distances himself from Alicia after this. Alicia’s cancer has spread to her bones. Sean can no longer drive Alicia home because of her treatment change. Sean tells Alicia that he can’t see her because he doesn’t want his son, Nick, to get attached.
Sean doesn’t see Alicia for months until he receives a call from Alicia’s ex-husband Ed telling him that Alicia is in the emergency room after a fall. Sean sees Alicia one more time when she comes in for an appointment. He pretends to be busy so that he does not have to interact with Alicia who is suffering. At this moment, he relates to the social perception of doctors as heartless when they abandon helpless patients. He also relates to the view of husbands as cowards when they flee their suffering wives.
Sean later receives a call that Alicia has died. He attends her impersonal funeral with no pictures and not many people. Following the funeral, Ed asks Sean to drop her clothes off at the funeral home. When Sean arrives the funeral director says that there are no undergarments. Sean and his son Nick go to Victoria’s Secret to purchase a pair of lingerie for Alicia to be buried in.
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