That Tiny Flutter of the Heart I Used to Call Love
By Robert Shearman, first published in Psycho-Mania
Growing up, a girl and her brother perform a ritual with her dolls in the woods. Now an adult, the woman marries and must introduce her new husband to the ritual.
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Plot Summary
Karen is an eight year old girl in the early 20th century whose father travels often for work. Every time he goes somewhere, he brings her back a doll. Karen thinks of the dolls as her daughters. Nicholas, Karen's brother, is eighteen, and he is never brought anything, but he says he does not care because he is a man. Each time Karen receives a new doll, her brother tells her that it is time. Karen gives her "daughter" a special tea party, and then she and her brother take the doll to a clearing in the woods when it is dark out. Nicholas asks Karen for the doll's name, then tells the doll it is sentenced to death. He then asks Karen on what charge, and she says for loving it too much, because her love must only be for her brother. They salute the dolls before they are killed. Nicholas says Karen cannot cry, because then the death will not be clean.
As Nicholas gets older, he gets more brutal with how he kills the dolls. He begins with hanging them, and then starts to burn them. The last time, Nicholas pulls out a gun and shoots the doll. He wants Karen to shoot it too, and he helps her. Nicholas then reveals to Karen that he is going to war. He tells her not to forget him, and kisses her. Nicholas dies fighting in the war. Karen's father seems proud, but Karen squeezes a doll to try not to cry during the funeral.
Julian is younger than Karen. He is unmanly and does not impress women. Whenever he tries to talk to a girl, he stutters. His parents make him go to dances to find a wife. At a dance, he meets Karen, and is not intimidated by her. They dance, and Karen invites him to her house a few times. Soon, they are married. For a present, the families get them a house in Chelsea, and Karen's father gets her a doll dressed in a wedding dress. The couple honeymoons in Venice. Karen prefers to simply read about the city from indoors, while Julian goes out to explore. Karen tells Julian that there are manly duties he is expected to perform, but when he removes his clothes, she is excited by how hairless he is, and shaves the remainder of his body hair, as well as trimming his eyebrows and head hair. They return to their new house after the honeymoon.
The couple explores the house, and after dinner they finally go to the bedroom. There, Julian finds many dolls sitting on the bed. Karen says that she cannot fully love Julian while still loving the dolls, so they need to get rid of them. Karen puts all of the dolls in Julians arms, and leads him to the woods. Julian tries to drop the dolls, but they cling to him. Karen sentences all the dolls to death except the new one in the wedding dress, whom she makes watch. Karen makes Julian shoot the dolls, and he imagines them screaming and thinks that the grass looks bloody. He sees them twitching, and cries. They go back to the house, where Julian apologizes for crying. Karen says that it is okay, and that next time will be different.
The couple has sex, and Karen will not let Julian do anything. She has no passion in her face, and Julian turns to the side and sees the doll. Afterwards, Karen says she loves Julian and brushes his hair, calling him her big baby doll. She pulls away from him and gives him a salute. Julian giggles and tries to salute her back, but he cannot raise his arm. He sees a blur of something brown at the foot of the bed that looks like a uniform. He smells mud, and a voice asks if it is time. Julian does not hear Karen's reply, but he turns his head to the side and sees the wedding doll, who is smiling at him and looks pleased.
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