In the White Night
By Ann Beattie, first published in The New Yorker
En route home from a dinner party with her husband, a woman reflects on the death of their young daughter and the omnipresence of tragedy in their lives.
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Carol and Vernon bid farewell to their hosts, Gaye and Matt, who have entertained them for the evening with dinner and the "Don't-Think-About-Whatever" game. As Gail and Vernon get into their car, Matt shouts, "Don't think about an apple!" Carol's mind immediately conjures the fruit, which turns the wintery night into a surrealist landscape. But her line of thought soon changes tack: she meditates upon the image of Matt whispering into her husband's ear at the party, and how closely the two men resembled their respective daughters, who had a closeness that bordered on "sexual intimacy." The girls were friends until Becky — Carol and Vernon's daughter — died of leukemia. Sharon, the other couple's daughter, is a lively troublemaker who recently flunked out of college. Vernon sometimes tells Carol that Gaye and Matt are their "alter egos, who absorbed and enacted crises." This idea disturbs Carol, who doubts there is protection from terrible things in this world. She thinks about the randomness and constant proximity of tragedy, and how it always threatens their lives — like when they thought Vernon might also have leukemia, or when their Christmas tree went up in flames inches away from her. Finally, she thinks about putting their dog to sleep. The couple arrives home, and Carol begins to cry in the bathroom. She reflects upon how her husband — always "tongue-tied" by her grief — substitutes words with touch. She leaves the bathroom to find him asleep on the couch; she lies down on the floor beside him. Though she realizes that strangers would mistake the tableau for a "drunken collapse," she knows that friends — and perhaps the passing spirit of her daughter — would understand.
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