Punishment
By Gregory Blake Smith, first published in Prairie Schooner
A mother's mistakes haunt her. When a man brutalizes her, she accepts his punches as punishment for her sins.
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Plot Summary
A woman wakes up in the hospital with brutal injuries. She claims she does not remember anything. But she is lying. She remembers it all. She remembers him nearly beating her to death. She then backtracks to the day of the incident. After a long day in the courtroom where she had to sit listening to bitter wives and injured husbands, she took a drive to the arboretum to calm herself. She has worked as a Superior Court Judge for years. Suddenly, it all comes back to her. She knows that she took a leisurely stroll through the trees near the church. Then, she heard a sound. At first, she thought it was a nun but she soon heard a male voice saying "hello". She remembers smiling at him and the feeling of getting hit by his burly fist. She recounts the brutal attack. In the hospital, a detective approaches her with a folder of all the men she has adjudicated. "Which one was it?", he asks. She says it was not any of them. After the attack, she begins to isolate herself. She and her husband split recently and their daughter has been living with him. She feels alone and traumatized. She takes a leave from her job and closes herself off from her loved ones. She tries to connect with her teenage daughter, Emily and starts to reflect on her childhood in the Catholic church. She and Emily go to the mall together. Their relationship has been strained by the incident. In a store, she opens up to her daughter about the pain and agony she has felt since the attack. She tries to connect with her daughter but the girl feels far away. She tries to ask Emily about her history of self-harm but cannot find the words.
She fails to convince Emily to move home. She remembers how she used to stalk online chatrooms where kids would taunt Emily. Where they talked about how she "cut herself for attention". In grief counseling, her therapist tells the former Judge that she was just unlucky in getting attacked by a stranger. She picks Emily up from school and asks if she will join her for a walk in the arboretum. Emily asks her about what she remembers. She claims to have no memories. The mother leads her daughter toward the chapel. She asks Emily about her spirituality. They decide to enter the chapel. The two pray in a pew. She admits to her daughter that she has been lying--that she remembers everything. She tells Emily that she accepted the attack because she felt she deserved to be punished for not being a better person. She deserved it because she was not able to "save Emily". She asks Emily to show her her scars. Emily's scars on her arm have healed but the ones on her stomach are fresh. Her mother screams out in horror staring at the deep cuts etched in her daughter's skin. The church bell tolls and she experiences flashbacks to her attack.
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