How to Kill Gra' Coleman and Live to Tell about It (Vauxhall, NJ c. 1949)
By Kim Coleman Foote, first published in Missouri Review
A group of children in a family lives with their grandmother, but she is mean and abusive. The children soon become tired of her abuse and plot to kill her in various ways, though the task is complicated by logistics.
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An old woman Gra' Coleman is the evilest grandmother and person these children have ever met. She beats them, yells at them, and curses at them for little to no reason at all, making all the children miserable. Unfortunately, the kids can do nothing about it because they live with her and all of their parents are either gone or too irresponsible to be an actual parent. Gra'Coleman sets most of her anger on Marlene. Part of it is because Marlene is the most daring out of all her siblings and cousins. But a good part of the reason is that she looks most like her mother, a woman Gra'Coleman hated and kicked out years prior. One night Marlene has enough of her grandmother's abuse and suggests that she and her relatives kill Gra'Coleman. The children, also tired of the abuse, agree. They come up with a plan to kill her using her own hair. They plan to tie her long hair around her neck and choke her the next time she needs her hair done. They will bury her in the backyard in a ditch they dig. However, the plan is foiled by Gra' Coleman's son, who refills the hole with tiles, thinking it was caused by rain. The next plot is to make her death look like an accident. The children plan on hitting her atop the head with a skillet and saying that it fell on her while she was searching for a pan in the kitchen. However, this plan will not work either because she seems like she had "eyes in the back of her head." and keeps her back to the wall when in the kitchen. The third and last plot is to poison her with rat poison. The children want to put poison in Gra' Coleman's whiskey when she is out at work and get it to dissolve. When Marlene puts the poison pellets in the liquor, it doesn't dissolve quickly enough. So instead she filters out the pellets and hopes they dissolved enough to kill the old lady. She drinks it and...nothing happens. Days pass and Gra'Coleman is still alive. The kids begin to think she is a real witch that is immortal. Then one day, she is smiling uncharacteristically and the children become suspicious. She takes pictures with them thanks to the neighbor's help. Once he leaves, Gra' Coleman invites them into the house where they see one of the youngest cousins crying with a belt on his lap. He explains that he told Gra'Coleman about the plot to kill her. Now everyone is in trouble...
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