Eleanor's Music
By Mary Gordon, first published in Ploughshares
A middle-aged chorus member lives for years with her parents after her husband leaves her for their male chorus director. Though she stays close friends with her former husband, she feels betrayed when she gets in an argument with the director and is asked to leave the chorus for good.
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A middle-aged woman named Eleanor Harkness moved back in with her parents, both of whom she greatly admires, after her husband, Billy, left her nine years ago. She's still living with her parents, and Billy still lives in their former apartment with his partner, Paul, who he left her for when he realized he was gay. Eleanor and Billy had never had sex; Billy always had said he wasn't ready. Eleanor works as a chorus director and is also a member of the chorus of the Knickerbocker Opera Company — a professional side of her life from which she derives great pride and esteem. She is the oldest member of the chorus; all the others her age have moved on. She's still friends with Billy, though she wishes they were still married, despite the lack of sex in their marriage. When he left her, he said she would still always be his oldest and dearest friend. They get lunch together every six weeks and she sees him at the opera company, where he is the rehearsal pianist. One day, while drinking a cup of tea with Billy before rehearsal, Billy tells Eleanor that his partner, Paul, who is their director, has commissioned a new work, called "The Dream of Andy Warhol," by one of his protégés. Eleanor hates contemporary music and thinks Andy Warhol is an improper subject for the chorus. At rehearsal, Paul introduces the piece and the composer, Desmond Marx, a young beautiful man who now lives with Billy and Paul in their one bedroom apartment. Eleanor chastely imagines that they bought him a pullout couch. The piece is surprisingly beautiful to her but then, on the second page, are the lyrics, "Fuck me, suck me fuck me suck me." Eleanor refuses to sing them, and thinks that others will back her up. They do not. Paul gives her an ultimatum: sing the words or leave for good, which suggests that it's time for her to go. She leaves, and expects Billy to come after her. He does not. At home, she sees her mother asleep in bed with her dentures out. It didn't occur to her that her mother had dentures, and she feels betrayed. She imagines how near to death her mother is and feels as if something has been taken from her. She goes to the mirror, and expects herself to look different, but she looks the same. She resolves not to let her mother or anyone else know what happened today, and to make it seem she resigned gracefully.
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