The Valetudinarian
By Joshua Ferris, first published in The New Yorker
On his sixty-sixth birthday, a cranky hypochondriac widower orders a pizza to his Florida condo. Instead, he gets a prostitute — and a heart attack.
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Arty Groys and his wife Meredith retire to Florida, but the day after they move there, Meredith is killed in a car accident. Nevertheless, Arty stays in Florida and grows increasingly lonely and bad-tempered. He feuds with his neighbor, Mrs. Zegerman, over her noisy dog, and he alienates himself from all his friends, even his closest pal, Jimmy Denton. Arty spends most of his sixty-sixth birthday alone. Finally, his children Gina and Paul call him, and he babbles to them about his myriad health issues. Also, against his doctor’s wishes, Arty orders a large meat-lover’s pizza. The doorbell rings, and Arty hopes that it is Jimmy, or flowers from one of his kids, but then realizes it’s likely his pizza. However, when he opens the door, Arty is faced with a thirty-something Russian prostitute — a birthday present from Jimmy. She offers Arty an erectile dysfunction pill, but Arty declines. He says that it would interfere with his current heart medication. The prostitute pushes Arty to take the pill — she points out that he eats pizza. Mrs. Zegerman watches from across the hall, and sends away the pizza boy when he arrives. She explains that Arty is in his apartment with a woman. Soon after, the prostitute flees from Arty’s flat. Mrs. Zegerman waits a bit, then enters Arty’s apartment to find him collapsed on the floor. Mrs. Zegerman does not trust the paramedics, and attempts to carry Arty down the stairs herself, but she loses her grip and sends Arty flying down the stairs. Only then does she decide to call the ambulance. Mrs. Zegerman pretends to be Arty’s wife, which allows her to check in on him as he recovers from both his heart attack and the fall. The doctors say it could take Arty as long as a year to begin to walk again, and Mrs. Zegerman fantasizes about being able to take care of him. But one day, she comes into Arty’s unit to find him strolling around, and he asks her to help him break out of the hospital. Mrs. Zegerman drives Arty to Jimmy’s house, where he learns that Jimmy’s wife, Jojo, has found out about the prostitute and called the police about the operation. Arty has Mrs. Zegerman rush him over to the prostitute’s headquarters, where he plans to warn her of the cops. When Arty sees the prostitute again, he thanks her for her encouragement to live again and offers to fund a college education for her. She is confused — she thought she had left him for dead, and she had told him what she tells all of her clients. The two escape out the back of the apartment. Even though they are clear of the cops, Arty continues to run. He reminisces about a baseball game from his youth, in which he had continued to run despite an injury.
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