Homo Minimalensis
By Tasha Schumann, first published in FIYAH
When tiny humans infest her apartment, an artist must think creatively to oust them once and for all.
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Plot Summary
The woman spots a tiny man in her laundry room, biting at the armpit of one of her shirts. She asks her cat sees it too. She tries to talk to the tiny man, but he sprints out of the laundry room. She does a Google search and finds an article by Dr. Death which says that mini hominids are hard-to-kill pests. She then calls her boyfriend, a successful artist who has been recently creatively stuck. Soon enough, they’ll both be married, once one of them becomes a successful artist. The woman thinks it won’t be her. Now, they’re in an open relationship, with the rule that they can only have one-night-stands and no side-relationships. On a phone call, the woman tells her boyfriend about the mini hominids, and the boyfriend says it wasn’t his fault. They then talk about art, and the boyfriend says he’s working with life models. However, more mini hominids suddenly fill the woman’s apartment.
The woman goes to a hardware store run by her friend. She looks for pest control products. Her friend comes up and asks her what she’s dealing with. Hesitantly, she confesses that they’re mini hominids. He recommends glue traps, but she says she doesn’t want to kill them. However, he insists, as they’re hard to get rid of without killing. For now, she gets cleaner to scrub her house clean, while her friend orders glue traps for later. By night, however, the cleaning hasn’t helped, as the mini hominids are running rampant and even digging in her cat’s fur. One has already been killed by her cat, and she notices that the mini hominids have been gnawing at her too.
Later, the glue traps arrive. She puts them all over her apartment. Her boyfriend calls, and she asks if he can come stay over, but he says no, as he doesn’t want his place to be infested either. He recommends that she channel her solitude into art. From then on, she tries to work on a new sculpture, but nothing comes to fruition. Every so often, she checks her glue traps, which her cat sometimes gets stuck in. By night, she sleeps in a mosquito net. She calls in sick to work and keeps attending to her traps and calling her boyfriend, who is slowly getting annoyed with her. Eventually, he loses his patience with her and tells her to just call an exterminator. She finds out, too, that he’s been seeing a girl more than once. He tells her that things will go back to normal soon, and she wonders what normal is.
One morning, the woman wakes to see a mini hominid orgy. They seem too comfortable and acclimated in her apartment now. Her cat, in the living room, is covered in blood. Her apartment is full of massacred bodies of mini hominids. She cries out loud, asking what they want. She soon realizes that it’s her bodily matter, like hair, nails, sweat. The same day, she sees, online, a nude painting that her boyfriend has made. Looking at it at work, she gets caught and fired, but she’s too fixated on the nude painting of her boyfriend’s new girl.
At home, the woman cuts off all of her hair, as well as her cat’s hair. All night, she sketches a new blueprint and then brings it to her friend at the hardware store to make. All day, they create boxes with sacks in it, which are lined with hair. She then throws away all of her old clothes and linens into the dumpster and then lays her trap before bed. Since then, she has successfully caught all of them inside and wonders what to do with them. She pulls up to her boyfriend’s apartment, where his new girl is, and lets herself in with her key. Surprised, her boyfriend asks what she’s doing here. She throws the bags of mini hominids into his apartment and leaves. She thinks about composing an email to Dr. Death, about her experience with the mini hominids.
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